I’m sitting in my bed room, surrounded by Combat Membership posters, and I’m able to play The Final of Us Half 2.
The Final of Us is one in all my favorite video games for a lot of causes. The principle one being that Joel Miller is probably the most relatable, heroic online game character ever conceived. His gruff face, his beard, his flannel shirt – he’s the proper protagonist. He tortures folks, however that’s solely as a result of he’s a tortured soul himself. He doesn’t put on his coronary heart on his sleeve (largely as a result of that’s the place his watch, a gift from his lifeless daughter, goes), however he has a coronary heart of gold pounding beneath that plaid.
Some folks paint Joel as a villain, as a result of reality he weapons down a great deal of docs on the finish of the unique recreation. These disgusting surgeons need to vogue a treatment from Ellie to avoid wasting the world, however there’s a catch: the surgical procedure will kill her. As I beforehand established, Joel’s actual daughter is lifeless. Who shall be his new daughter if he lets Ellie die right here? Precisely.
Ellie is 14 years previous in The Final of Us – she doesn’t perceive the world and Joel is nicely inside his rights to homicide all the good guys and steal her alternative away from her. That’s not kidnapping, that’s simply being an excellent, self-appointed apocalypse dad. And searching cool whereas doing it.
The Final of Us Half 2 opens with Joel admitting his heroism: “I saved her,” he says, accurately. His brother Tommy is absolutely onboard. Now we’re using into Jackson and I’m enjoying as Joel! That is superb! I hope nothing occurs to him.
There’s so many graphics right here. Simply, like, graphics throughout. And sound.
Aw, that is good. Joel is enjoying guitar for Ellie. Maintain up – what is that this shit? Pink Floyd? PINK? My man likes beige and everyone knows it. Ought to have had him smashing out some Slayer to maintain him in character.
So I’m enjoying as Ellie now. Ellie is cool – she discovered from the perfect, in spite of everything. She’s using on patrol along with her buddy, Dina. They appear like tremendous mates. Platonic buddies. Large mates. There was one thing in a dialog earlier a couple of kiss they shared through the winter dance, however who amongst us hasn’t kissed their buddy after too many mulled wines? Simply gals being buddies.
So we simply got here throughout some people contaminated by the cordyceps virus. Now to dig into the mechanics just a little bit. One little element I respect: you’ll be able to shoot the contaminated and blood comes out of them. I like that.
They’re kissing once more, however I’m fairly certain it’s simply the weed. They discovered a secret hideout and a develop lab. The spliffs they present in a jar have been sitting there for god is aware of how lengthy. They’ve in all probability gone unhealthy. It’s simply two stoned mates going at it – nothing to see right here, to be fairly trustworthy. Me and my mates typically Snapchat one another photos of our dicks. Simply bros being bros.
Now I’m enjoying as somebody referred to as Abby. I’m undecided who that is, however I’m not satisfied in her proportions. It’s a scientific reality that girls can’t develop muscle tissue, and I’m frankly petrified of being pounded into mud by a hench girl. Yesterday I pulled my shoulder out when opening a pack of tremendous noodles.
Abby killed Joel. She killed him and another person spat on him. I do know folks typically discuss immersion in video games, however I felt the spit hit me within the face. Spit from the mouth of Naughty Canine. A glob of saliva coating my goals.
I can’t consider Naughty Canine has carried out this. Who wrote this SJW nonsense? They’ve made me, a real fan, actually offended a couple of character demise. A personality who I like, that they wrote, who dies by the hands of a lady. Joel ought to have died a hero’s demise, dealing with off in opposition to 100 different males in flannel shirts. Or he may have merely snatched the shotgun from Abby and gunned all of them down whereas mouthing “blammo” with every set off pull.
Why would I desire a story to make me really feel issues? If I needed to really feel feelings I’d stub my toe. I merely not belief these writers who beforehand made me care a lot a couple of character that I made 5 nameless Twitter accounts so I can tweet abuse at them.
Significantly. I may write a greater story in an hour. How about this: Joel builds a large truck fabricated from knives and drives it throughout America, killing all the clickers. On the finish, he listens to some Slipknot, seems to be on the digital camera and says, “That was the final of THEM.” Fin.
Not exhausting, is it? No, it isn’t.
At this level, I sincerely want I’d skilled the story through a hastily-narrated synopsis from an apolitical gaming YouTuber who solely covers politics in video games and by no means the video games themselves. That method I’d know the reality: the true virus is inclusion. I’m by no means included in something as a result of I’m deeply unlikable. Why ought to anybody else be included? It’s not proper.
I’ll have solely performed three hours of this 25 hour recreation, however I’m going to should make a stand and put a zero consumer rating on Metacritic. That’ll present them. I’m going to allow them to know that I do know I’m shedding the tradition warfare I invented in my head and I’m having a correct wah wah about it.
I’m additionally gonna go on Twitter and give you my very personal joke to remark beneath each story concerning the recreation.
Wait a second…
It’s coming to me…
One thing golf-themed to be actually authentic…
Ah, I do know: “Joel in a single”. Hahaha!
I simply snapped my copy of The Final of Us Half 2 in half – each discs. I’m going to mail them to Heel Cuckmann as a warning. Now, to see if mom is nipping to the publish workplace as we speak…
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